The Dysfunctional Onion

January 1 – the obligatory mention of how we all look to this time as a opportunity to turn over a new leaf, make changes we have been intending to make, stop doing things that are not healthy, start doing things that are healthy. The gyms are packed with out of shape people, bookstores sell out diet and exercise books, church pews are fuller, alarm clocks are used, bibles cracked open, etc. etc.
Recovery meetings get their fair share of new attendees and re-attendees at this time as well. Nothing wrong with that at all in fact it is a great time of year to set the stage for your recovery.
The one thing to remember though is that if you’re like me you did not wake up one January 1 years ago and say – today I am going to start my decent into addiction, acting out, unhealthy relationships, self destructive behavior etc. etc….. We don’t plan our hurts, habits, and hang-ups that lead us to recovery. They are a result of a process of our decisions, actions, and reactions to life’s events and circumstances. Sometimes we look at the situations or behaviors that hurt us or others as the reason for us being in recovery and we want those to go away as quickly as possible. We live in a microwave, on-demand, “buy it now” world. There are now recovery based reality shows on cable TV that would have you believe that within a few episodes someone could hit their bottom, go through an intervention, go to recovery and be all better within one season…Hardly realistic…
If you are new to meetings, welcome! Recovery is a process and a journey that does work. However this process is not on your schedule. It never will be and the best thing you can do is begin to believe that fact. Impatience, quick fixes , “getting it over with” are not what a 12 Step program is all about. Trust the process and the journey will be amazing. There is healing and there is more to your issue than you can imagine today… But how many layers of the dysfunctional onion you have to peel is not something you can determine.

A Report for Parents: Inhalants and your Children

This paper investigates Inhalant abuse among teens and adolescents. Abuse of inhalants is a popular habit and is most frequently reported being used in the teen and adolescent years. We will look at the reasons inhalants are easily accessible, the differences in popularity of certain inhalants across adolescent age groups, the statistics associated with use, the mechanism of action of inhalants, routes of administration, the effects of use, withdrawal, treatments, the question of is there a connection between future drug involvement and other delinquent behavior linked to inhalant abuse? Inhalant use appears to be primarily a teenage phenomenon; its effects can be deadly or long lasting.

Inhalant Abuse

Inhalant abuse is the use of liquids, gases, or vapors to get high. Most inhalant substances abused are easily accessible because they are found in common household products such as nail polish, glue, spray paint, shoe polish, gasoline, and some other aerosol sprays. For this reason inhalants are more inexpensive, can be obtained at home, and can be concealed as a drug of choice easily. Inhalants are the first drug abused by adolescents in nearly 20% of the cases surveyed between 2002 to 2007 by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Association Survey on Drug Abuse. Inhalants are primarily used by adolescents between the ages of 12 and 18 years of age. (2002 to 2007 SAMHSA National Surveys on Drug Use and Health (NSDUHs).)

Below is a list of Inhalants that are commonly abused
Amyl Nitrite, “Poppers,” Locker Room Odorizers, or “Rush”
Correction Fluid, Degreaser, or Cleaning Fluid
Gasoline or Lighter Fluid
Glue, Shoe Polish, or Toluene
Halothane, Ether, or Other Anesthetics
Lacquer Thinner or Other Paint Solvents
Lighter Gases, Such as Butane or Propane
Nitrous Oxide or Whippets
Spray Paints
Some Other Aerosol

Certain inhalants are more or less popular depending on the age of the adolescent. Between 2002 and 2006 and average of 593,000 adolescents aged 12-17 used inhalants for the first time each year. The most popular in order of most used was glue, shoe polish, toluene, followed by gasoline, lighter fluid, and spray paints.
There is no data to indicate why there is a difference between these inhalants and age groups. However there is significant growth in the usage of “Whippets” (nitrous oxide) from the age of 12 to 17 while most of the inhalants usage declined over that age range. It is unclear whether this is due to increased availability of the inhalant or the effects experienced or a combination of those factors or others.

Routes of Administration

Inhalants are sniffed through the nose or inhaled though the mouth. This is called “huffing”. Some abusers spray the inhalant into bags (“bagging”), soda cans or onto rags and clothing (shirt sleeve) in order to inhale. Abusers will also spray directly into their mouth or in the case of correction fluid, sniff the substance while it is being applied to the finger nails. When these substances are breathed in deeply, the abuser is likely to lose touch with their surroundings immediately.
Many abusers develop what is known as “huffer’s rash” which is evidenced by drying and redness around the mouth and nose; spots or sores around the mouth; red or runny eyes or nose; paint or stains on body or clothing. Some user’s breath will smell like chemicals.

Mechanism of Action

The mechanism of action (MOA) of inhalants has not been completely determined yet. Most act as Central Nervous System (CNS) depressants and can increase gamma-amino butyric acid (GABA) which is similar to the MOA of alcohol.

Effect

The effects of many inhalants include the following slurred speech, excitability, ataxia, seizures, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, heart palpitations, loss of appetite; and anxiety, and irritability. The abuser can become giddy, have lowered inhibitions, and at high dosages can experience hallucinations. (Center for Substance Abuse Treatment. “Inhalants.” Substance Abuse Treatment Advisory.)

Consistent use is toxic to several organs including heart, liver, kidney, and brains. The most significant effect is called “sudden sniffing death syndrome” which is an acute intoxication that causes the abuser to die.

Withdrawal

Inhalant withdrawal symptoms can include hallucinations, nausea, excessive sweating, tremors, muscle cramps, headaches, anxiety, depression, loss of appetite, irritation, aggressive behavior, dizziness, chills, and delirium tremens.

Treatment of Addiction

Treatment for inhalant abusers can be somewhat more complicated than it is for other drug abusers. There is more likelihood of family conflicts, academic issues, personality disorders, poly-drug use, and mental illness in addition to the abuse of inhalants. It is important for inhalant abusers to undergo detoxification and then get help for the additional issues which should include psychotherapy. However, due to chemical makeup of many inhalants, the effects of abuse can still be present for many weeks after the last time the abuser inhaled. It is also hard to determine whether the associated mental issues were caused by the abuse or were present beforehand. There are some treatment facilities that do not accept Inhalant abusers into their care because the work necessary is more comprehensive (e.g. psychotherapy, life skills adjustments, longer detox time), and takes much longer than other drugs of abuse. (National Inhalant Prevention Coalition)
Relapse rates are can be upwards of 45% for inhalant abusers.
Future drug involvement and delinquent behavior linked to inhalant abuse
There is a hypothesis amongst some researchers in the field of drug abuse that certain drugs act as a “gateway drug” to abusing more powerful drugs meaning using a certain drug is the reason for future use of other drugs. There is also a belief that there is cause and effect in the relationship between drug use and delinquent behavior.
There are some studies that use this hypothesis in the research.

Youths aged 12 or 13 who used inhalants were
more likely to have participated in delinquent
behaviors in the past year than youths aged 12 or
13 who had never used inhalants (Figure 2). For
example, youths aged 12 or 13 who reported
lifetime inhalant use were more than twice as
likely to have been in a serious fight at school or
work than youths who had never used inhalants,
and they were six times as likely to have stolen or
tried to steal anything worth more than $50. In
addition, 35.4 percent of youths aged 12 or 13
who had used inhalants in their lifetime had used
another illicit drug, compared with 7.5 percent of
youths in this age group who had never used
inhalants.

Early Onset of Inhalant Use and Problems
Later in Life
Among persons aged 18 to 49 in 2002 and 2003,
1.9 percent first used inhalants at age 13 or
younger, 11.8 percent first used inhalants at age
14 or older, and 86.3 percent had never used
inhalants in their lifetime.10,11 Persons who had
initiated inhalant use at age 13 or younger were
more likely to report certain problems than
persons who had initiated inhalant use at age 14
or older or persons who had never used inhalants
(Figure 3). For instance, 35.2 percent of persons
aged 18 to 49 who initiated inhalant use at age 13
or younger were classified with dependence on or
abuse of alcohol or an illicit drug in the past year,
compared with 30.2 percent of persons who
initiated inhalant use at age 14 or older and 10.1
percent of persons who had never used inhalants.( (NSDUH REPORT: INHALANT USE AND DELINQUENT BEHAVIORS AMONG YOUNG ADOLESCENTS)

While there is evidence that a certain percentage of inhalant abusers also will eventually abuse other drugs and be involved in delinquent activity, there is no real evidence of “cause and effect” of this study. While inhalant abuse may not cause future drug use it may a good indicator or marker of future abuse or delinquency issues.

Bibliography
“2002 to 2007 SAMHSA National Surveys on Drug Use and Health (NSDUHs).” (2007).
“Center for Substance Abuse Treatment. “Inhalants.” Substance Abuse Treatment Advisory.” (2003).
“Inhalant Use across the Adolescent Years.” The National Survey on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH) (March 13, 2008).
National Inhalant Prevention Coalition. .
“NSDUH REPORT: INHALANT USE AND DELINQUENT BEHAVIORS AMONG YOUNG ADOLESCENTS.” (2005).

Codependency and the 12 Steps – Step 1

This is the first lesson in a series I have created. Step 1 and the Codependent.

Black and White together without shades of Grey

Codependents and Adult Children of Alcoholics are prone to see the world and events in black and white. It is one way to make sense out of what really makes no sense at all. If we put a label that clearly defines something we are more equipped to deal with it. Or so we believe. When it comes to relationships, and in particular, relationships in our family or with a spouse, that becomes a big problem as a person starts to come out of the denial that there really were some problems in their family. Now that they see the dysfunction and how bad that was – it is hard to see anything “good” in the dysfunctional relationship.

My family life had love and affection. For years that is how I viewed my family. That is the only perspective I allowed myself to experience. However, it also had chronic dysfunctional problems that colored how I viewed life, myself, God, and others. It took me decades and a lot of recovery work to begin to understand that. I have detailed some of these issues in previous articles so I don’t want to spend a lot of time going back to the specifics of those issues. But the challenge for me was to reconcile what I believed about my family early on with what I was learning about how my family life affected me. At times I have felt that if my family was as dysfunctional as I had come to understand, then there was no way there was much good in my childhood. Conversely if I admitted that there was some good, then the dysfunction was overstated, exaggerated or worse yet, not true at all.

There has been a lot said and thought over the last couple of decades about the concept of how your “Family of Origin” affects you. The whole “nature versus nurture” argument is one that will sure to be debated for a long time. My view falls somewhere along the lines that both who you are and what you become is based on three components: Your family of origin, your physiological makeup (your genes), and your decisions and actions about the situations and experiences you go through in life.

There are some who prefer not to deal too much in the past. I have even heard some people claim that looking too closely at your family of origin is just an excuse for your behavior…again- my belief is more balanced than that. I suspect (translation – here comes my opinion..) that people who insist that looking backwards is of no value really means that they are scared to death to deal with what is in their past. We in the recovery world deal with that in the first step – it’s called “denial”. But I am no expert.

I have done a lot of work over the last decade or so delving deep into my family of origin in several ways in order to overcome my hurts, habits, and hang-ups. It has been a very scary, rewarding, uncomfortable, and healing experience. It has probably been the biggest component to my overall healing and on-going recovery.
Dysfunction is not measurable. That is because dysfunction is different for each family. Here is a definition I have read and used in past articles:

“Family dysfunction can be any condition that interferes with healthy family functioning. Most families have some periods of time where functioning is impaired by stressful circumstances (death in the family, a parent’s serious illness, etc.). Healthy families tend to return to normal functioning after the crisis passes. In dysfunctional families, however, problems tend to be chronic and children do not consistently get their needs met. Negative patterns of parental behavior tend to be dominant in their children’s lives.”

Virginia Satir is one of the key figures in the development of family therapy. She believed that a healthy family life involved an open and reciprocal sharing of affection, feelings, and love. In her estimation 95% of families are dysfunctional. I believe that number is a little low…

I do want to share that I have had some very encouraging experiences in dealing with my family of origin lately due to some challenging circumstances, a lot of recovery work, and some very supportive friends in my life.
Going back to visit my family has always been uncomfortable in different degrees over the last 20 or so years. There have been times I have literally drove for hours to see my family only to get there and be so overwhelmed with negative memories and emotions that I immediately began to make plans to go see or do something else with somebody or anybody else I knew in that city.

Sadly the last few times I have gone back to my family it has been to see my father who just passed away after a long battle with cancer. The good news is that I had been able to make my peace with him before he passed and that was necessary and right. Something else happened as I went back that was very encouraging. And it was someone else who saw it in me and brought it to my attention. Dianne is the love of my life. We share a connection I can’t say I have shared with someone else as deeply. We share a lot of similarities in our recovery journey which has been a tremendous blessing. The last several visits to my family she has accompanied me.

One of the most encouraging things I have been able to experience in visiting is that I am more comfortable with myself and therefore more comfortable around others. When it comes to being at home with my family I have been more able to visit and be “there” and be connected to what is going on in my family –emotionally and in my thoughts. One of the reasons is that I have been able to accept that both good and bad occurred in my family. I have been able to acknowledge both parts.

At my father’s funeral I was asked to share some thoughts about him. It was a very healthy experience to be able to share some very positive encouraging memories about my dad that I truly believed in my heart. At the same time I did not feel like I was betraying the actual dysfunction that existed in our relationship by sharing some extremely good things in our relationship.

Sometimes black and white can exist together without becoming an unidentifiable shade of grey.

ACA’s, Codependents, and Abusive Churches…

If you are an ACA, or Codependent can you please take my survey
Click here to take survey

Thanks,

A

Hero Today, Gone to Recovery Tomorrow…..

Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.
Will Rogers

In every dysfunctional family there are certain characters or roles that each member takes on.

There is The Enabler, The Scapegoat, The Lost Child, The Mascot and the Hero.

The Hero, who is usually the oldest child, is characteristically over-responsible and an over-achiever. The Hero allows the family to be reassured it is doing well, as it can always look to the achievements of the oldest son or daughter as a source of pride and esteem. While the Hero may excel in school, be a leader on the football team or a cheerleader, or obtain well-paying employment, inwardly he or she is suffering from painful feelings of inadequacy and guilt, as nothing he or she does is good enough to heal his family’s pain. The Hero’s compulsive drive to succeed may in turn lead to stress-related illness, and compulsive over-working. The Hero’s qualities of appeasement, helpfulness and nurturing of his or her parents may cause others outside the family to remark upon the child’s good character, and obtains him or her much positive attention. But inwardly, the Hero feels isolated, unable to express his or her true feelings or to experience intimate relationship, and is often out of touch with his or her own sources of spirituality.

I played the hero role in my family for decades.  The alcoholism, adultery, constant fighting and tension between my parents gave me ample opportunity to figure out how to create some kind of safety and security on my own.  The way I chose to deal with the issues in our family was to be the best student, and most well behaved (while others were watching..), least amount of burden, and make my family proud of me type of kid.  My grades were very good; I stayed out of trouble, my friend’s parents used to tell them that they trusted me and that it was great that they were friends with me because of that.  I could not wait to turn 16 so I could get a job.  During my senior year of high school I did not want my family to worry about any expenses for college so I applied for scholarships to any kind of school that I could think of.  I eventually received one from a technical and trade school in electronics and computer technology.  I figured since I did well in math and took electronics in high school that was good enough. I actually had my hopes set on being a writer but I went where the scholarship money took me….

After excelling at the technical school (I received the highest overall grade average in the history of the school up that point) I found a job at a major defense contractor – Hughes Aircraft.  I was 19 and went to work with a whole department of people that were all at least 8 years older than I was.  I then bought a condominium and was engaged to be married.  All before I was 20… Responsibility was a way of life for me.  I believed that if my family had something in their life to be happy about it would be ME….

Within a few years I became involved in a church that taught the bible and my relationship with Christ started.  The first thing I did was go to my family and preach the gospel to them believing that I had found the only hope for them to be what they were supposed to be.  There was nothing wrong with that except that it furthered their perception of me as there hero and confirmed in me the belief that I could somehow control the family’s health and well being.

As time went on I continued to have “success” in my career working for some great companies.  I worked at Motorola and then Qualcomm during its early days until they sold off our division to Ericsson.  I had traveled all over the world for business – Japan, Korea, Singapore, China, Peru, Brazil, Malaysia, and Montreal, Sweden.  I climbed the ladder and led a department of 22 engineers most of whom had advanced degrees – Masters in Electrical Engineering or Computer Science all while I only went to that trade school…

During the course of my career it was very common for my family to let others know of my success as any family would.  It also became common for them to ask me for help when they needed financial assistance – which was often more than just a little bit of money.  They had accumulated a rather large amount of credit card debt and were getting behind on other payments as well.  My codependency and hero status kicked in hard for awhile and I rescued them from that financial situation.

After 22 years of working for big technology companies I was laid off when Ericsson closed their facility in San Diego.

I then took the big risk and pursued the American Dream of owning my own business.  I bought a computer services franchise.  During the next few years of my life the bottom fell out for me in my life in numerous ways.  My business failed and I lost more money than I want to count. Of the many casualties of this downtime in my life was in the area of my finances.   I am no longer a “successful businessman” and my financial losses caused great pain down the line – including my ability to subsidize my parents life…

But a funny thing happened while I was losing all the money, material and status things in life.  I found recovery from Anger, Codependency, and being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.  With that recovery began an awareness and ability to create boundaries in my relationship with my family.  For me it has been great and very healthy.  For them – they do not see it as great.  In fact the more I respond in healthy ways the more awkward and upsetting things have been for them when it comes to interacting with me.

You see, they want me to be the hero that makes them proud.  But I am not.  I am working at a very low paying job, I have no money at all, I am divorced, and I am only willing to interact with them when I believe it is necessary.  They don’t know how to deal with that.  They don’t like it and they are not happy with me.  They want the hero back but he is gone…

Codependents version of The Greatest Commandment – Codependency and Step 1

The following is not as much my writing as it is a summary of research I have done on the subject of Codependency for a lesson I am preparing for my recovery group.  Much of it has been gleaned from “Codependent No More”, “The New Codependency”, and “Codependent’s Guide to the Twelve Steps” – all by Melody Beattie – who is a tremendous author and expert on the subject.

Greatest Commandment

• ….Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” (NIV, Mark 12:28-31) – and “Love your neighbor as yourself” was part of the Old Testament law (Leviticus 19:18).  Are God’s versions…..

Codependents version of the Greatest Commandment:

• “….Love your neighbor so that you might like yourself! There is no commandment greater than these.“

You can’t have a healthy love for someone else the way God intends if you do not first have a healthy love for yourself….Adrian’s interpretation.

Our codependent behaviors, whether they are controlling, caretaking, or whatever are behaviors that have saved our lives when we didn’t know what else to do.  They are what most people would do if they had to walk in our shoes for 5 or 10 years.

Codependency is normal behavior PLUS.  We do too much, care too much, feel too little, or overly engage. We forget where other people’s responsibility starts and ours end. Or we get so busy helping others we don’t help ourselves. There has to be balance to our behaviors. Some of the very things that we do because of our faith are things that appear to be codependent behaviors…remember it is not the what we are doing – it is the why we are doing it.  Some of our codependent behaviors are medicine for being hurt by someone who was not supposed to hurt us.  A parent, spouse, friend, authority figure or organization     Some professionals believe most addicts and alcoholics have codependency issues.   These behaviors are meant to create safety in an unsafe environment either physically, emotionally, sexually, spiritually. It’s meant to control someone or something out of control.

Step 1 says “We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.”

As a codependent from a dysfunctional home ( ACA background)  I gained a belief ( or created a fantasy) that I could control other’s behaviors if I just acted the right way or did the right things.  My desire was for safety and peace. I developed what someone once told me was an “overdeveloped sense of responsibility” I took it upon myself to be the reason things would go well at home.  But I was powerless!
Codependents are focused on controlling things in their life.  Especially those things that have become unmanageable.  We believe we have to do this for our own safety and sanity– we exert a lot of energy, time, talent, and POWER trying to manage the unmanageable not realizing we are powerless over that of which we are trying to control….

The following are unhealthy patterns to overcome in Step 1:

Denial Patterns:

• I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
• I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
• I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others. –.

Control Patterns:

• I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
• I attempt to convince others of what they “should” think and how they “truly” feel.
• I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
• I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
• I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
• I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
• I have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others.

Coping tools

• Ask to see the truth  – Prayer – God help me to see the truth about…. Please show me clearly in a way I will understand, what I am supposed to see, learn, do, or not do about _________
• Strive for Awareness – Spend a few minutes a day on what’s going on with you – what are you feeling?  What is taking place?

• This is the “Detachment Step”
  • The place where we must strive to lovingly release and detach from others
  • At first detaching may be hard to do it in a graceful way.  It takes time and practice to master.  It is important to do it and if necessary make amends later on for any resentment or bitterness that accompanied the process.

Just like every other issue in recovery – the keys are the same:  Working the program – attending the meetings, step study, getting a sponsor and talking about the issues that you are struggling with – blocking and tackling etc.

Why the 12 Steps

There are many fans and detractors of the 12 Steps to recovery.  I will give you the reasons I believe in the 12 Steps and share some of my experiences in working the steps in my life the last few years.

I am a Christian and happen to believe that the Bible is the word of God.  On that foundation I believe that the bible provides the answers to many of the issues man struggles with.  I did not say all but rather many because there are some things that mortal man will never understand and some things that we surely will misinterpret – we are fallible – I am proof of that….

In doing some research for this article it was clear to me that the 12 Step program had it’s genesis from the bible and Christianity.  There are many accounts that try to explain the exact time of the 12 Step and Alcoholics Anonymous’ beginnings.  I will share one account that is very consistent with other accounts:

Historians have traced the genesis of the 12 step programs in Alcoholics Anonymous back to the Oxford Group, an evangelistic movement from the early 1900s. Dr. Frank Buchman, a Lutheran minister from Pennsylvania Dutch heritage, was the founder of the Oxford Group. Dr. Buchman experienced a spiritual transformation in 1908 as he visited a small church in Cumberland. Envisioning the suffering face of the crucified Christ, he realized how his resentments had separated himself from God’s unconditional love. He surrendered his will and willfulness to God and began to share his experience with others. His work and following grew, with groups eventually at Oxford, Princeton, Yale, Harvard, Williams, Smith and Vassar. Outreach was conducted through house meetings and members were encouraged to find and work with people who suffered from problems similar to their own. Bill Wilson, one of the co-founders of Alcoholics Anonymous, traced his journey to sobriety through the Oxford Group. After being visited by an old friend, Ebby Thatcher, who was restored to sobriety through the Oxford Group, Bill W. was told the principles of the Oxford Group. He described his conversion experience from that night 20 years after the event in Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age: A Brief History of A.A., p. 63:’” In the subsequent development of Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill Wilson eventually distanced himself from the Oxford Group in order to reach out to Catholics and other groups who were uncomfortable with the evangelical emphasis. However, many of the traditions of the Oxford Group continue in the A.A. approach and the Scriptures remain the foundation for recovery for many of those in A.A. and other 12 Step groups.

Another big reason for my belief in the 12 step program is that it is not just an alcohol and drug addiction program. It transcends the issues we struggle with.  When I went through the 12 step program for the first time I had a hard time believing I had much in common with the addicts and alcoholics in my step study.  What I learned in the group is that my issues with anger, codependency, control, and being an adult child of an alcoholic (I only have a few problems ;>}) is only a symptom to deeper issues.  The way I “act out” – anger, control, codependency has it’s roots from many of the exact same things that cause someone to drink, gamble, get high, overeat, pursue sex with strangers, etc.  The 12 Steps cause you to take a real deep and up close look at what makes you the way you are.

The next reason is that the steps proceed in a logical fashion and are very thorough.  Each step builds upon the previous steps.  For instance, you must come out of denial to believe that your life is a mess and you need help. You must first come to grips about what you have done and who has harmed you before you can make amends.  And finally you can’t give something away you never experienced before.

There is a built in accountability that grows naturally as well as by design in the 12 Steps.  I have been involved in several Christian accountability groups, bible discussion groups, and small groups that spent time together.  In my experience the issues that hinder groups like these are that:

1) There is a tendency for these groups to become more focused on being social.  Conversations about the latest news, sports, hobbies, stock market, the economy etc. become the norm and real accountability gets squeezed out

2) There are ways to hide out in a group like that.  There always seems to be a few people who never share what is really going on or who are very shallow in what they share.

3) There can be an agenda in what the leader is focused on that has nothing to do with what you are struggling with.

4) There are typically a couple of strong personalities or really needy people who dominate these groups; again leaving others wanting for getting their needs met.

In a 12 Step program there is a structured format that allows all participants to do the same work at the pace that fits each person’s needs.  There are accountability partners and sponsors to work individually with each other in order to address individual needs; there is an expectation and a desire for each participant to be responsible for their own recovery. And everyone is there because they are willing to be there in order to work on what has become very serious issue in their life. Typically it’s an issue that has caused damage in important relationships and self worth.  Consequently there is a real clear focus on why each person is attending.

Here are the 12 Steps and their Biblical comparisons as used in the Celebrate Recovery program I attend:

Step 1

We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.

I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.  For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.  Romans 7:18

Step2

We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose. Philippians 2:13

Step3

We made a decision to turn our wills and our lives over to the care of God.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God — this is your spiritual act of worship. Romans 12:1

Step 4

We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the LORD.  Lamentations 3:40

Step 5

We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  James 5:16

Step 6

We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.  James 4:10

Step 7

Humbly asked Him to remove all our shortcomings.

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1John 1:9

Step 8

We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

Do to others as you would have them do to you.  Luke 6:31

Step 9

We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.

Matthew 5:23-24

Step 10

We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!  1 Corinthians 10:12

Step 11

We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and power to carry that out.

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly.  Colossians 3:16

Step 12

Having had a spiritual experience as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.  Galatians 6:1

Forgiving vs. Forgetting

The phrase “Forgive and Forget” is a nice thought but one of those things that is hard to do in practice.  My question is why do we link the two in the first place?  I have heard some people say that once you forgive somebody for what they have done to you, you should then just move on and continue that relationship like it never happened.

In recovery programs looking backwards at your life can be very painful.  In Step 4 you not only look at what you have done to others but also, what others have done to you.  Those are the deep wounds.  It is both shocking and sad to hear how some of the men in my step study have been treated in their life.

It is hard for me to look back at how my self-esteem, self-worth, view of the world, and view of God have been negatively affected by the actions of family members, ministers, and close friends.  What they did hurt me and/or stunted my growth emotionally or spiritually.

God commands that I forgive them.  That I not harbor animosity or ill will towards them for their actions. That is what I must do in order to obey God in these matters. Now it would be nice to forget those things ever happened after I chose to forgive, but in my experience that has proven to be something I am not necessarily in control of.  Some people do repress memories, or just deny them altogether. But the interesting thing to me is that God designed our mind to be able to recall events.  Not only that, our minds can recall events without us even trying to do so.

Like many of you, a lot of dysfunction and trauma happened in the house I grew up in.  I won’t go into great detail at this time but I will say, that I witnessed many things that children were not designed to experience.  Of course at the time, it was the only “normal” that I knew, in fact I believed all families were like that (I may have been right..).  My parents lived in that same house for almost 40 years.  This meant I had the opportunity many times in my adult life to go back and visit the same house. For years I can remember taking my family to visit my parents.  Each time I went back to the house, after a few hours there, I became very anxious about being there.  I started to make plans to leave and do something with other friends or just go and drive around the old neighborhood or some of my old haunts.  It was as if something came over me that said – “you have to get out of here”. I had made plans to see my parents, I wanted them to see their grandchildren and vice a versa.  But once I got there I was looking for a way out quickly.

As I have worked through my recovery with therapists and 12 step groups, I have come to realize that memories of the trauma I experienced growing up were triggering my anxiety. I have forgiven my parents for those things that happened.  But I still have memories of things that injured me.  Those memories are triggered by “revisiting the scene of the crime” so to speak.

Many things can trigger memories.  Certain words, smells, locations (as in my case), people, etc. can all trigger both good and bad memories. It is important to work through the traumatic events in such a way that these triggers do not paralyze you or cause harm to you in any way (that is where a trained therapist or a recovery program can help). I firmly believe God has designed us this way for some important reasons.  One is that we can learn to establish boundaries in our lives.  If you have ever put your hand on burning stove top you are less likely to ever do it again.  Why? Because it hurt last time – remember?  If you were in a dysfunctional relationship with someone in your past, you will have to forgive that person for their part, but the memories of the abuse or other negative issues you experienced can help you to make better choices about your next relationship.

Another reason I believe God allows us to remember our wounds is to teach us empathy.  If we do not remember how it felt to be wronged or sinned against by someone else, how can we relate to how others feel when they are treated the same way?  Some of the most powerful interactions and relationships I have developed with others in recovery are those in which the story they were sharing about their life and experiences was very similar to my own journey.  This happens to me often.  I hear something shared and I think to myself – wow that must have really been hard to deal with because I remember how it felt when…

I am reminded by my sweetie Dianne, who has recovered from years of abuse in her previous marriage and family of origin, that there is another important issue that needs to be considered in the relationship that is damaged by sin or being wronged.  There is a difference between reconciliation and restoration.  Forgiving enables reconciliation.  Your relationship can be resumed in some form or fashion now that forgiveness is present.  Restoration is something completely different.  Restoring implies that the relationship is back to a state that is as healthy as it were before the incident.  Restoration typically does not happen due to the consequences of the action(s).

In the last year two very important men in my life have broken a trust in the relationship I had with them.  It was painful for me to hear the things said to and about me by these people.  First off, because of how important these people were to me.  Second because of the length of time I have known them.  I do forgive them.  I love them and want the best for their lives but the nature of our relationship has changed dramatically due to this.  I do not have the right to be bitter or resentful due to these situations.  But I must make decisions about the depth and expectations of these relationships going forward.

Forgiveness is necessary but there can be value in not forgetting.

The Power of Boundaries, Disengaging, and Refusing to “Dance”…

Have you ever had a conversation or some kind of dialogue with someone and you realize that you are reacting in the same old unhealthy ways you have always reacted to this person?  If you have been in a dysfunctional relationship with a spouse, friend, co-worker, or family member it can get to the point where it does not matter what the subject is, the reactions, frustrations, and anger are nearly always there.

In co-dependent relationships you and the other person can become so enmeshed that a dysfunctional “dance” almost always occurs.  There is an action or certain words and/or subject that is brought up and expected reaction which in turn leads to the original person continuing on with the old familiar pattern or “dance step”.  For many relationships this pattern is so engrained that it almost happens unconsciously for both parties.

My therapist pointed out this pattern when I related a difficult interaction I once had with someone close to me. Once my therapist pointed this out a light bulb went on in my head – it all began to make sense.  A majority of the arguments and angry frustrating conversations could be broken down to a dance of sorts.

Typically in a dysfunctional relationship one person seeks to control both the other person and the relationship in general.  To get control they know what it takes to “push your buttons”.  Typically this is done with words or actions that have got a desired result from the other person in the past.  In my case this person knows that I can begin to feel very guilty about my past and my current mistakes.  When I feel guilty I am more prone to see things in the way this person wants me to see them.  When that person wants something from me, she goes to that “well” and uses a whole lot of the past to get me to feel guilty.  Then I am ready to give in and/or get extremely angry because I am doing something I do not want to do.

I have begun to recognize this pattern or dance and have decided that I will not react in the same way I have in the past.  I have started to become aware of the words, statements, and circumstances that have been used to manipulate me in the past. When I hear anything from this person that sounds close to those old patterns I have decided to not take the bait and instead try to “disengage” from what was just said.  Meaning – any emotions I feel about what was just said I try to remember to tell myself – “this is how this person operates”.   Then I tell them something like – “I need some time to process what was just said before we talk about this any further” or “I do not believe this is something I am willing to discuss with you”.   At first this is very frustrating for the person seeking control.  They usually try again either with more intensity, more guilt, or plain old anger to get you to take those old familiar steps in the dysfunctional dance.

I have found over time and plenty of “invitations to dance” that I have turned down; I feel less and less anxiety and frustration with this person’s behavior.  She can deal with things in whatever way she wants to, but I do not need to be affected negatively by her approach.